Susan David was just interviewed on The Armchair Experts podcast and she said, “The greatest gift we can give our children is to help them navigate their feelings around uncertainty”.
I think this is a bigger, more important concept to grasp and teach than what first meets the eye. Yeah, yeah, of course we will teach our kids to try to control their feelings, reign in their feelings, stuff or even deny their feelings…but have we taught them to actually n a v i g a t e their feelings around the district feeling of uncertainty? Do YOU know how to navigate uncertainty in your own life?
If the year 2020 has taught the masses anything, it’s that life is uncertain and uncontrollable and being both flexible and comfortable sitting in uncertain circumstances might just be the two most important muscles we need to simultaneously grow in both ourselves and our children.
When we navigate, we plan and direct (usually using some kind of a map) with particular care knowing the path will be difficult. When we don’t navigate, we neglect; we get lost, and we can forget that uncertainty doesn’t have to be scary.
Maybe (probably) we also need to teach ourselves and our kids (especially) that, “The more we try to control what is uncontrollable, the more we increase our suffering”. (Susan David)
We Americans might possibly be the worst at this. We, as a nation, don’t like to suffer and we also like to believe that we won’t suffer if we do “all the things” (fill in your own answer here – be responsible, go to church and tithe, follow the rules, spread positivity, etc.). We’ve got to be able to flip that on it’s head and help our kids understand that life is full of suffering and no one is immune.
Embracing suffering doesn’t mean we love it or invite it into our lives. Embracing suffering means we can sit in our pain and accept it for what it is…a real feeling that isn’t to be feared, but felt. If we raise our kids in a bubble that keeps them from experiencing any kind of suffering, or we try to gloss over the hard and distract with something shinier we aren’t doing our kids any favors. I honestly think that this is a factor that plays into the highest anxiety and depression rates that we’ve ever had before. (Of course, it’s my unprofessional opinion)
Trying to control the uncontrollable seems silly to even type (or read). Our conscious brains understand this, but our visceral responses to uncertainty show otherwise. Unless. Unless you have consciously done some work in this area to understand how to navigate through both uncertainty and suffering, you might be stuck on the anxiety cycle that leaves you anxious even when life is good and enjoyable…which is where we actually increase our own suffering unnessacarily.
Don’t read this and think I’m saying let’s all just throw up our hands and do nothing. No. Let’s do our part. But how about we also work on understanding our own suffering and why we try to wish it away, rather than feel it. How about we teach our kids *by example* that life is equal joy and suffering? How about we stop trying to make it all better? How about we help them grow their own muscles around uncertainty so that they can hold themselves up when they’re on their own navigating their own suffering?